FIGHT

They fight bitterly. And often. But always about stupid things: Why it's better to have a birthday in the summer than the fall; who would win if Bruce Lee fought Worf; why "The Crying of Lot 49" is better than "Vineland"... The fights are so bitter because there is nothing really at stake; it's foreplay if anything. But they have a foolproof method for coming down off these fight-highs. The last fight before break was about whether more people had finished "Foucault's Pendulum" (Howard) or had stayed awake through "My Dinner With Andre"(Karen). The tail end of the fight went something like this.

*Punch!*

*Slap!*

*Biff!*

*Pow*

"Asshole!"

"Bitch!"

"Whore!"

"Slut!"

It was Howard who started the ball rolling downhill:

"Hussy!"

"Libertine!"

"Harlot!"

"Rake!"

"Jezebel! Dirty Jezebel!"

"Dandy!"

"Filthy Trollop!"

"Fop!"

"Cunt!"

At that point I thought How had won, but...

"Dullard. Oafish Dullard."

"You really think I'm a dullard?"

"Oh Howard..."

Then I was asked to break the tie.

"Well," I said. "Since I did manage to finish the book, and since no one on the planet has made it through "My Dinner With Andre..."

"I did."

"No, you didn't."

"I *did*. I had to do two lines of crank in the ladies' room when they started talking about his electric blanket, but I made it through."

"But that was the *best* part. All right then how did it end?"

"Well, I-- Well, how did "Foucault's Pendulum" end?"

"Anyone hungry?"