ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS...METALLICA! It's been a long time since we looked in on the kids and myself, but we all seem to be doing fine. I was in Singapore for three weeks in October, came back and went on a picnic. For whatever reason, it was very warm the Sunday before Halloween and Karen and Maria and Howard had been semi-planning this semi-picnic upon my return. They'd put together about 6 baskets for the four of us; and I was certain that two of these baskets would never ever clear customs. Maria brought along her Gibson acoustic and Howard brought a boom box and we piled into someone's car and made it to the park. Golden Gate Park is one of those parks where, no matter how many times you've been there, you always discover something new: a zoo or a botanical garden or bird sanctuary or something. This time we found the Smithsonian, which was nearly empty since I guess normally it's in D.C. We all broke into basket #5, loaded up the bong, lit up and headed into the basement in search of John Dillinger's schvantz. "This is stupid," I said, "Let's resurface. I don't like the air down here." "I wanna see it," said Karen, "Hey look! It's the Lindbergh baby's pacifier!." "I'm telling you there's no Dillinger dick down here. It's an urban legend." "No way," said Howard, "a friend of mine-" "Of course he did, Howard." "I'll rock paper scissors you for it." "You know how I feel about that game. How about odds and evens?" "No way. You always win." "That's not true." "Always?" said Karen. Howard said, "It defies logic, but ever since we were about 6 and 9 I've never beaten him. I guess it must be coincidence but it scares me." "I'll take you on," said Karen, "if the stakes are interesting." "Every time." said Maria. Karen was wearing a thin, cashmere sweater that was a favorite of hers and a conservative blue skirt with a floral print.(Sorry, Huck, it's all that was clean). She said, "Two out of three. If I lose I'll lose my sweater for the rest of the day and if I win, you have to do what you did at that party in Singapore." The information superhighway had already brought them news of how I managed to offend about 8 different nationalities at one bachelor party in Singapore. I don't know if it's the fact that Singapore is so near the equator and is always very hot and humid, but one thing I noticed right away was that I had to be extra careful getting in and out of cars since I would invariably wind up sitting on my boys, which were hanging much lower than normal. This is pertinent, because one long night at a bachelor party a Thai girl had had about 6 too many and was lifting up her skirt to show everyone her new panties. I was sitting with a co-worker and his girlfriend and they were both forcing the most godawful gin and tonics into me. Well, seeing this girl flashing panty inspired me. My co-worker noticed me fiddling with my zipper and instructed his girlfriend to look away just as I started hanging some good brain. I've never seen a party clear that quickly, which was just as well because I and my boys needed the oxygen anyway. "Deal," I said. You lose the shirt and I'll hang some brain. You want odds or evens, K?" "Odds." "Okay, I'm evens." Karen and Howard stood in our corners. "One...two...three...shoot! I fired a one and so did Karen. "Fuck!" she said, and Howard cut us all out some lines on the glass enclosure to the Lindbergh baby's pacifier. "Again?" "You really never lose?" said Maria. "That's bizarre." "I don't understand it, either. Guess it's just my game." "But it's like always winning at tic-tac-toe. It makes no sense." "You want a piece of me, too, Ree?! Lose the skirt and we'll talk." "Fuck that. Besides, Karen's already down one." "Ready, Karen?" "One...two...three...FUUUUCCCKKKK" We both threw twos. Karen looked happy to be out of the sweater anyhow. She folded it and put it into basket #6. "Hey How," said Karen, gimme a swig of that there hooch." That hooch was in fact Jim Beam. We walked around the basement of the Smithsonian for another hour or so before we decided to resurface. Howard wanted to cover Karen with a windbreaker but she as having none of it. "I've got a plan," she said. Back in the park, we wandered to a secluded patch of grass and set up camp. Baskets 1-4 were arranged on a big blanket and basket 5 was smoked, popped and snorted. Maria broke into basket number six and retrieved a pair of nipple clamps with which she accessorized Karen. Karen said, "All right, Rich, double or nothing on rock paper scissors." "Sorry," I said. "Not my game." "Bullshit, twerp, you're playing. Who doesn't play rock paper scissors?" "Please don't start," said Howard. "Please." "Bull. I want double or nothing." "Okay, but it has to be odds evens." "No way. You've got that game fixed. I want a level playing field." "I choose not to play." "What the fuck is that? You *choose* not to play?! Why?" "Oh no," said Howard." So I started. "Well, think about it. What have you got? You've got your scissors cutting up the little paper--" "So?" "And you've got your rock, pounding the shit out of these scissors, although I think it would take a pretty serious pounding to disable a pair of quality shears. In fact, I'm even willing to bet that you couldn't break a pair of scissors with a rock. " "How much?" "Forget it. You're angry enough you just might make paste of those shears. But that's not even the problem. The real weak link is this rough tough piece of paper coming along and `covering' big bad rock. The fuck is that? Have you ever covered a rock with a piece of paper? How long does this last? Until someone walks by? Until someone opens a window? The whole premise to the game is tenuous and I can't play a game if I don't believe in its premise." "But Jerry," said Maria. "It's a kid's game. The kiddies love it." "I'm with Jerry," said Howard. "No way paper beats rock. No way!" "Bite me, George." "Sorry, Elaine, but Jerry's right. Perhaps you've heard of the paperweight? Think about it." Elaine/Karen was getting desperate. "How about rock, jackhammer, scissors?" George/Howard said, "Hey." Maria/Kramer nixed that. "No. You don't mess around with a classic children's game beloved the world over and besides, what can a pair of scissors do to a decent jackhammer" "Cut the power cord?" "She has a point, Kramer." "No. No ordinary pair of scissors is going to cut that thick jackhammer cord. Maybe a boltcutter, but scissors, no way!" Maria started playing her acoustic version of "Enter Sandman" "Say your prayers little one Don't forget, my son To include everyone Tuck you in, warm within Keep you free from sin Till the sandman he comes Sleep with one eye open Gripping your pillow tight Exit: light Enter: night Take my hand We're off to never never land' "Okay, we'll add a fourth choice to make it a more interesting game for adults." "And what might that be," said Elaine, extending her forefinger and thumb and pointing it at me, "a gun?!" "No!" said Kramer. "No guns for the kiddies!" "How about this," said George. "Rock paper scissors." then he extended his arm with his forefinger and pinky in the heavy metal sign and said, "Metallica!" "Rock paper scissors, Metallica! Heh heh. This game rules." "Yeah, Heh heh. What beats Metallica, Buthead?" "Nothing, Buttcrunch. Metallica rules." "Heh heh. Oh yeah. Metallica rules. Let's play. One...two...three." "Metallica!" "Metallica!" "Again, buttdew." "Metallica!" "Metallica!" "You know, this game kinda sucks, Beavis." "But Metallica still rules." "Metallica!" "Metallica!" [...] Now I lay me down to sleep Pray the lord my soul to keep If I die before I wake Pray the lord my soul to take Hush little baby, don't say a word And never mind that noise you heard It's just the beasts under your bed, In your closet, in your head Exit: light Enter: night Grain of sand Exit: light Enter: night Take my hand We're off to never never land' "Good tune, Ree." And we all took naps until some very old hippies wanted our stash and we split. RICHH