WHY SHE'LL NEVER WORK ON MADISON AVENUE

Heard that advertising was like $850,000 for thirty seconds during the Super Bowl. Also heard that one company had spent its whole year's advertising budget for one spot during the game. So we watched, looking for smallish companies. Turns out to be Master Lock, and the commercial was soooo lame. They didn't even shoot a bullet through a lock like they used to. Pathetic. So we were thinking, what could they have done better so we'd really remember it--turn Madison Ave. upside-down. So, Karen says, "What if someone like Jessica Hahn, someone wild, no, Sean Young, yeah, Sean Young, was in a big bed, all tied up and spread-eagled, but instead of cuffs or ropes she was tied down with chains and lots of Master Locks. And just as the guy raises the cat o'nine tails, you hear a car pull up and she says, 'Shit, my husband, get me out of this quick!' Cut to husband getting out of car--big guy, we only see him from the waist down. Cut back to guy fumbling with key, which falls into a heating duct, out of reach. So then the guy tries hacksawing, hammering, shooting the locks off. Nothing works. Jumpcut between him sweating, trying to get those damn locks off, and the big sneakers of the husband as he walks up the stairs. Finally the door opens and we see her husband--Charles Barkley. Oh yeah, and I forgot, the guy with the whip--James Woods. Now *that's* a fucking commercial!"